‘It has been said that men speak about 7000 words a day and women about 20,000.  I guess it depends on the day and the company.  If I’m spending the day with girlfriends I could use triple that amount of words by lunchtime but usually I’m at home on my own so I use very few words for the day… But I do know that I have hundreds of thousands of words going round in my head all the time and now that I’ve passed the 51 year mark, I’m worried that I’m running out of time to get them all out‘ ……. Livonne 23rd October 2012

They were the first words I wrote on here, and just like that, a blog was born! I was surprised today to get a memory pop up on Facebook where I had announced my blog to family and friends 13 years ago. 2012 really was a turning point for me. A year that would change my life in ways I could never have dreamed of. That year did not start easily. I was struggling both mentally and physically with depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD and the transition into menopause. I was exhausted. I couldn’t believe what life had dished out to me. I really didn’t like life much. She was a bitch.

I was just existing. Waiting for old age (or earlier if that was my destiny) just to be able to finally rest. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to leave this life, but I wouldn’t have fought it if it was to finish. Sounds morbid I know, but it’s the truth. My sons were the only sunshine in my life and they needed me less and less. Of course I had other friends and family but I’d shifted from my home of 46 years leaving all the constants behind me. I didn’t feel like I fitted anywhere nor did I feel I was needed anywhere. Life was honestly pretty crap.

I had just shifted into a new place and was recovering from a hysterectomy which had really knocked me around. Then my ex husband did something that distressed my youngest son and all that anger I had had kept hiding deep down inside me since I was a young child came to the fore. It came bubbling up from the depths of my soul and spilled out into every part of my life. It was all consuming. I couldn’t see for the red rage that had finally been set free from it’s constraints. I wanted revenge and I wanted it on every person who had ever hurt me. No one was exempt from the bitterness and rancour that devoured me. So, in my ranting and raving, I decided I would write a book which would out everyone who had contributed to this pain. That was to be my revenge. Public humiliation. That’d teach ’em.

As I do, I went into overdrive in the planning. I had written in the past. I was sure I could do it. But my oldest son said to me “Mum, I know you can do this, but how about we start you out with a blog? That way you can post all your thoughts to that and get into the habit of writing daily.” Hmmm. He is wise beyond his years, so we sat down together and started building livonne.com.au. I don’t think he thought I’d stick to it. If I’m being honest, neither did I. ADHD does make me dance from one great thing to another. It’s not that I can’t stick to stuff, but once I’ve conquered something, I get bored. But anyway, this baby was born and I very quickly fell truly, madly and deeply in love with her.

Everyday, I would start to type. I didn’t always find it easy to find the inspiration to write but I sat down anyway and just put my fingers on the keyboard and started, topic or no topic. Some days were easy and some allowed me to understand what writer’s block was all about. But everyday I showed up and just allowed my thoughts to spill out onto the page. And with every piece I wrote, I started to understand myself a bit better. Amazingly, it didn’t take long before people were reading it which delighted, surprised and terrified me all at the same time.

Delighted because I finally felt like maybe I still did have something to offer the world if people were finding it worthy of their time. Surprised because I honestly didn’t think anyone would find what I wrote in any way interesting. Terrified because I didn’t want to sound like a whinging, self pitying, bitter and resentful person, which in reality, I was. So I started to take my audience seriously. I considered their feelings and it made me stop thinking so much about mine. Yes, I was able to write about my life and things that had happened to me, but I started editing it with the fresh eyes of you, the reader and I was suddenly considering how YOU might feel about what I wrote. It tempered the pain and the bitterness. In turn it changed the way I thought. It changed ME.

It had only been going a few short months when I won Star Now’s Blogger of the Year 2012. Wow. Then a particularly hard blog about my daughter’s death won a big award through Random House and was subsequently picked up by a few online sites and then the blog really started getting traction. That was when I realised that I couldn’t just populate it with pictures or memes from google. I needed my own pictures to punctuate the stories I was writing. I started looking at quick photography courses, just to learn to take photos that I could edit to suit what I needed. In reality, a photoshop course would probably have been a better option but I rushed headlong into a digital photography course at TAFE.

I bought a cheap (but good) second hand digital camera on Ebay and travelled down the mountains to Nepean TAFE. I was arrogant enough to think I’d ace it and be able to leave the 6 month course in 6 weeks. Oh how naive I was. I struggled so much with it but the people I was studying with encouraged me to continue and the need to run away lessened every day. I not only finished those 6 months of Certificate IV but I then enrolled to do Diploma of Photo Imaging. The blog took a bit of a back seat due to the busy schedule I had but I still forced myself to sit down and write at least once a week, though not the daily posts I had originally committed to.

Photography changed my life in every way. In the same way the blog made me rephrase the telling of my life story, photography made me look at life in a different way. I was LOOKING for beauty and when you really look for it, guess what? You’ll find it. And when you find beauty, it’s hard to hate a life that contains so much of it. You pick your camera up, look through a tiny view finder and you keep moving until you find that thing that captures your imagination and moves your soul. I would have laughed if someone had told me the massive change it would make in my life. And yet, here I was, actually living with intent again.

I even met a gorgeous girl in the course who become my surrogate daughter. We filled a space in each other’s life and she has brought so much happiness into mine. Once I left the course, I started to really teach myself photoshop and then began to MAKE images not just TAKE photos. My imagination came to life in the same way it did as a child and I was so excited by what life held. I was happy again. I don’t exactly know the precise moment it happened but it certainly happened and it softened my hardened heart and filled my glitter pouch.

So you see, what I’m trying to say in my naturally long winded way, is that this humble little blog completely changed me for the better. It thawed out my heart and put sunshine back in my soul. It helped me to remove the mask I had always hidden behind, to speak my truth and to be proud of the scars I carried. They aren’t scars, they are the markings of a warrior. I had found my way of healing from the trauma I had lived with since I was a child.

Oh I know I tend to neglect this blog a lot these days and I regret that but I think the stories I HAD to get out have been done, so there isn’t the sense of urgency there used to be. A few times I have thought about printing it all off and then closing it down to save all the fees I pay on it, but when push comes to shove, I can’t bring myself to do that. It’s been the balm to my wounded self and I will be eternally grateful to it.

So happy 13th anniversary to you Livonne.com.au and thank you for allowing me to fill your pages with all my ramblings, happy, sad and everything in between. And thank you to those of you who still read those ramblings when I do get around to posting. Did you know that 13th anniversaries are commemorated with lace gifts? Lace is one of my favourite textiles. I don’t know why that tickled my fancy but it did. But the most important thing is this journey has been a whirlwind and these last 13 years have been some of the happiest I have ever known. Life really is beautiful.

Happy finding YOUR happy… Livvy xxx