Finding my Palette

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It’s during the worst times of your life that you get to see the true colours of people around you and not every palette will suit your decor…..Livonne

I saw a meme saying something like this on Facebook this morning and it really struck a chord with me so decided to use it as inspiration to show how I am currently feeling.  Since I shared my diagnosis, the response has been at times, both heartwarming and overwhelmingly underwhelming.  Did I share it to get a response? No!   I shared it because, like it or not, social media is the easiest way to inform a large amount of people at the same time without having to constantly tell the same story over and over again.

I come from a large family and have made a huge amount of friends over my years on this planet, so letting everyone know individually what’s happening along the way would take up all of my time and energy and they need to be conserved to fight the bleep that is breast cancer.  To keep repeating the story over and over again would keep me immersed in the diagnosis rather than seeing the positives in this.  I don’t believe that’s healthy.  I need to look forward, not stay still looking at where I am now.

So while I’m not sharing this bleep to get a response, did I expect one?  Well actually, yes I did!  I would expect that those people who are supposed to care about me would at least acknowledge that this is happening in my life and wish me well.  It seems not.  Others however, have been so supportive it’s been really humbling.  There’s also those who haven’t bothered with me for years but suddenly pretend that they do care, I guess to ease their guilt if anything happens to me.  I’ve even had those who didn’t acknowledge it until they needed support, then proceeded to dump their troubles on me, while quickly brushing over what’s happening in my life.  I’ve had people who have voiced disappointment that I didn’t tell them personally.  C’est La Vie!

Do I sound a bit jaded right now?  Probably.  I’m feeling it to be honest.  I don’t expect help from everyone around me.  This is my battle and mine alone and that’s the way it will be handled.  Because I’m sharing what’s happening along the way doesn’t mean I want anything from anyone.  Of course my sons and their partners,  Kirsty and a few close family and friends will be there whether I want them to be or not.  That’s just who they are.  (Thank God)  But I’m not expecting everyone to run after me so why are people so hesitant to just acknowledge?

When my own beautiful Mum had cancer, she occasionally asked if people thought they could catch it from her, as their absence hurt her so badly.  I would reassure  her that they just hated seeing her sick.  Her response?  “I hate being sick”.  Now I get it.  It’s not easy to see someone you care about going through hard times.. but guess what? IT’S NOT EASY GOING THROUGH THEM EITHER.  And it’s made so much worse when you’re feeling invisible to people who you expected to care.

But I have to let it go and just bathe in the warmth of the wonderful people who have offered a hand of friendship with a true and generous heart.  They are the ones who matter.  This too shall pass and I’ll come out the other end stronger and even more resilient.  So I’m concentrating on counting my blessings rather than the absences.

I am having a lot more breast taken than I first expected, due to a large amount of precancerous cells and hopefully that will take place within the next month but that waiting time will be made up of appointments, tests, scans etc starting Wednesday.

This last week however, has been soothing for my soul and a complete distraction from what’s to come.   I’ve had my son, daughter in law and granddaughter up for a week.  Bliss.  A sleeping baby lying in your arms?  The best medicine ever.  Then, last night, I was taken out to dinner by my other son and his partner (and her Mum) for Mother’s Day.  This morning they took me to the local cinema who were having a Eurovision grand final breakfast.  It was worth the 5am start to forget everything for a while.

But now the serious business starts.  I’m not going to pretend I’m not scared because frankly, I’m terrified.  But I’m ready.  Thank you to those who have offered their friendship and love.  Those I know and the beautiful messages of support I’ve had from those who read this blog.  I might not say it, but it means the world to me.  You are my strength.  Oh and on this day of the year where we celebrate Mums, remind the Mums in your life to go get their boobies squished.  It saves lives.

Happy Mother’s Day… Livvy xxx

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