‘Those times when you don’t feel like being positive are the times when choosing to be positive makes the biggest difference’……marcandangel

Hello…. is there anyone out there still? Oh it’s been way to long since I came here to write or to read for that matter. My life has been so busy. There have been grandkids and exhibitions, books and art, people and places. But that is all just an excuse not to write. I think, for a long time, I felt like my art was more acceptable to the world than my words. Well, I don’t know anymore. I think I’m having a bit of a crisis of confidence. I’m not sure what I have to offer, if anything. Now that’s not a criticism of myself or anything I do. It’s not a cry for help or for attention, it’s just where I currently find myself. We all find ourselves here at one time or another in life.

I got asked the other day whether I prefer writing or art and I honestly couldn’t choose, so why then have I ignored writing for so long? My art is definitely a gentle, less offensive way of telling my truth. The beauty in art makes it more palatable to the general public but since I’ve always written and created art for ME, why does it matter what anyone thinks? We get way too caught up in making our lives ‘acceptable for public consumption’. Social media hasn’t helped that but the problem with trying too hard to be publicly acceptable, is we really do get consumed. Eaten up by everyone else’s opinions.

I’ve spent most of my life as a people pleaser. Well I’m now 62 going on to 63 and I don’t think pleasing people has got me any further in life than if I’d been a grumpy old curmudgeon all my life. So it’s time to find some sort of balance in between those two. I don’t feel very positive about life at the moment, so I guess it’s time to find my reasons to again. I used to love writing my blog every day. It made my life seem more worthwhile. It didn’t even matter if no one read it. I was writing for me. I was putting my thoughts, memories, ideas and even my pain out there so I didn’t have to hold on to everything.

There was also the thought, that one day when I’m no longer here, someone could read my soul on these pages and understand who I was. What’s that saying? ” They say you die twice. Once when you stop breathing and the second, a bit later on, when somebody mentions your name for the last time.” Well if that’s the case, I hope I live for a very long time in people’s memories and that this blog ensures that it’s not just my name that is spoken, but my soul that is understood. I think that’s what we all seek.

This all sounds very maudlin I know, but the older I get, the more I realise that I am in the last trimester of my life and that time is running out. That’s just reality. I hope it’s another 30 years that I have at least, but there are no guarantees so we have to make the most of now. I’ve let too much of my life slip away through procrastination. I stopped writing here so I could concentrate on my art but now I’m procrastinating about that too. When I wrote daily, it stopped that procrastination that I have battled with all my life. It allowed some order in my very chaotic brain. It gave me peace.

So I am going to write again daily. (or at least try) I have two books that are half written. I have art projects that are half done. And I sit and procrastinate every day instead of doing them. This blog has been such a huge part of my healing and it stopped so much procrastination. And now, it’s calling me back again. I’ve missed it. I feel like I have ignored it for way too long.

I know that trying to choose positivity when I least feel positive, does work, I’m hoping that choosing to write at a time when I least feel like writing, might break the procrastination. So, whether you’re relieved I stopped writing or whether you’ve missed reading the blog, I’m back baby. Let’s just hope I can find a few more things to write about in this craziness that is my life and fingers crossed, that allows the millions of thoughts in my head to settle and find their place in the world.

Happy reading……Livvy xxx