It’s was your fear that held you back. It was never the doubters or the naysayers, nor even the wolves at your door. Even if you didn’t recognise it, it was fear all along’…Livonne

Self sabotage. We hear it a lot don’t we? I think, in fact, we DO it a lot more than we hear it. At least I know I do. I have always sabotaged everything I set out to do. Now that’s not to say I don’t ever achieve anything, because I do. But it is always slower, harder and with many more obstacles in the way than it needs to be. And they are all obstacles of my own making.

Yes, I have ADHD but is that the reason I do what I do? No! In fact my ADHD helps me get stuff finished before the deadline that I have ignored until it is almost upon me. That helps me work frantically to finish whatever project it is I’m working on. I call it my superpower. But if I’d just started when I first decided to, I wouldn’t have to be doing all-nighters or cutting corners to get the job finished.

What holds me back is fear. I no longer live in physical fear as I once did but it has become muscle memory. I expect to fear, so if there isn’t a physical threat, I will throw something in my own way that I can fear. It’s almost comfortable. I spoke the other day about grief becoming comfortable and fear can be too. Not comfortable like a huge armchair, a good movie and a block of chocolate but when you’ve known fear, you get used to it and you know how to work with it. It is the safe emotion that you are familiar with, however, sort of ‘better the devil you know’ kind of stuff. But it’s not the ideal place to be coming from.

I fear so many things: I fear rejection and being accepted, I fear failure and success, I fear being hurt and being happy. Both sides of every coin. I think because there has been so much trauma in my life, I always believe that the other shoe will eventually fall and so I steel myself for it. I put my own objections up so I can blame myself if it all goes wrong, or even right. I’m getting better but it’s still something I fight on a daily basis. We often talk about the fight or flight reactions of fear but we don’t often talk about the two that affect me the most, freeze and fawn.

When I feel fear I tend to use both those reactions but freeze is my usual go to. I can be a people pleaser so I fawn and try to make things right with them but here I’m talking about inner fear, not external. So good old freeze comes to the party and stops me doing anything. I cannot move. Oh I can make a cup of tea or turn the tv on. I can phone a friend and organise to go for lunch or coffee. I can volunteer to help someone out. I just can’t help myself out. I seem to be incapable of the movement that I need to do which will propel me forward to achieving my dreams.

I know I’m doing it but I can’t seem to stop myself. I currently have 2 novels half written, another two outlined and numerous other projects on the go. They are probably some of my best work ever but with them comes the fear of failure or even worse, success. I want success but I’m afraid of it because if I get it, will the other shoe drop? I have to try to change this mindset.

I’ve done so much work on myself over the last 12 years since I first started this blog and to be fair, I’ve come so far, that I barely recognise the woman who first wrote on here. This blog has been one of the major things that has changed my life. Writing stuff down really does help heal and sort out your brain. I’ve achieved so much in letting go, except for the self sabotage. That’s been my constant companion since I was a young kid and I need it to leave. I’m tired of it. It’s not my friend. I need to give myself permission to bring my dreams into reality and stop allowing fear to chase the dreams away.

I’m 62 years old and let’s be honest, old age is promised to no one. I have so many projects that I want to finish. As it stands, I’d have to live to 147 to achieve them all, while working non stop. Now that probably won’t happen, but I have a legacy I want to leave and the only way to do that is to finally kick self sabotage to the curb. The inner voice of doom has to be silenced. The internal dialogue has to be changed. And, as usual, writing this has made me feel a bit more empowered and determined to do it. That’s why I love this blog. It’s not about how many followers or readers I get, it has always been to sort my own head out. If you’re reading this, you are a happy bonus and trust me, I am so honoured to have you here.

Funny isn’t it? I had no idea what I was going to write today or even what image I was sharing (as I usually don’t) but the found the image in my work and it prompted the subject. I’ve surprised myself with what I’ve just written as it wasn’t at the front of my mind but obviously it was lurking. And I guess it’s a conversation I had to have with myself.. So here’s to a not so sleepy Saturday, but a long weekend of change and progress.

Happy moving forward…Livvy xxx