‘We are our mothers’ savage daughters. The ones who run barefoot, cursing sharp stones. We are our mothers’ savage daughters. We will not cut our hair, we will not lower our voice’…..Wyndreth Berginsdottir

I know, I know, I know.. I’ve been missing in action again. But I have been busy. I turned 63 a few weeks back and a good friend turned 80, so celebrations were aplenty. My son, my bonus daughter and my grandson have all had birthdays since I last wrote too. I have also been organising a fundraiser to help me get to my French artist in residence next year. As part of the trivia night that I am running, I am doing a fashion parade of some of my costumes and headdresses.. And as if that wasn’t enough to have me flat out, I’ve also copped a huge virus and have been flat on my bum, trying to recover. So, all in all, the last few weeks have been a bit of a blur. So, forgive my absence but over the next few months, this could be a often repeated occurrence while I organise lots of stuff.

While I was looking for music for my fashion parade, I discovered a song that I had never heard before. I was listening to one song on YouTube and then another started playing straight after. Now to be fair, I don’t listen to much new music anymore. I figure I have so much music in my head to last another 63 years that I don’t need to invite any new stuff in, so unless something absolutely grabs me, I don’t really take much notice anymore. But this song not just grabbed me but it slapped me across the face, threw me down and made me sit and listen and feel every emotion possible. It is called Savage Daughter and is written by Wyndreth Berginsdottir. The version I am sharing here is on YouTube and is by Ekaterina Shelehova.

What grabbed my attention you may ask? Well it is certainly performed hauntingly by Ekaterina but it’s more than that. It is the words. It is the feeling. It is the raw tribal feel. It’s everything all at once. I have never thought of myself as savage, yet when I heard this, I realised that maybe I am and I feel kind of okay about that.

Throughout my life I have been silenced in many ways by many people and for all sorts of reasons. As a child living through sexual abuse, I was silenced with threats. I couldn’t tell anyone. They would hate me. I would be hurt if I said anything. As I grew up and became a victim of domestic violence within my marriage, again I was silenced as I felt that to tell anyone was to air my dirty laundry and my shame. Then when I finally left and began the never ending saga that is family law court, I was silenced yet again. This time by a system that doesn’t really give a damn what the victim has to say, only how their legal counsel says it and whether it’s precise to the letter of the law. Grief is also a great silencer, as to be honest, no-one understands what you’re going through and it is too tiring to try to tell people so you become quiet about it eventually. Oh I could go on and on, but the gist of what I’m trying to say is, through my life I have been silenced.

Now the other way I was silenced is by being belittled. I have a naturally loud voice. I just do. I was never a quiet child. I am not a quiet adult. I’m not yelling, I am just a naturally loud speaker. So, as I child, every time I opened my mouth I got told to ‘lower my voice’. Not by my parents, but by other people. And it was always those words.. Lower your voice! Lower your voice! Lower your voice!

Oh God I grew to hate those words. I wasn’t yelling, so why did I have to lower my voice? As I got older and started to sing, no-one told me to lower my voice. Maybe my pitch but never my voice. When I got into theatre after that, again, I never got told to lower my voice. In fact I was encouraged to raise it so that the person up the back of the theatre could hear me clearly. So I had sort of forgotten those words. Until I heard this song. Oh my, did it set me off. From the beautiful, ethereal voice, the empowering words to the earthy, tribal, throbbing beat, this song touched every nerve I have. The strength I felt at hearing someone else say “I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE” was quite overwhelming.

And just to add the cherry to the top, I was the kid who was always barefoot. At 63, I am still always barefoot around home which is why I’ve broken almost every toe on both feet at least once. I hate shoes. I have always hated shoes and I will always hate shoes. When I die I will ask them to bury me bare foot as that’s the way I’ve lived, as much as possible. Even most of my models pose bare feet as I think there is a genuine beauty and a grounding in that.

My Mum, also an August birthday, would recently have turned 102 if she were alive, and it made me think of my her and her savage daughters. Mum who was the sweetest, most gentle soul in the whole wide world, produced 5 daughters with tempers, opinions and the occasional potty mouth. Okay, often potty mouths. I look like my mum but I think that’s where the resemblance ends. I could never match her sweet soul and gentle nature. I don’t WANT to carry grudges but I do. I don’t WANT to envy people but I have to stop myself occasionally. I don’t WANT to smile when someone who deserves karma gets it, but I’d be a liar if I said there wasn’t an occasional moment of satisfaction when I hear of it.

So, I thought of my Mum and her Mum, who I think gave most of us our feisty nature. She was a fiery, feisty, stubborn, hard working Irish woman and I think most of us got our determination from her. We could all dream of being like Mum, but we could never match that sweetness. It’s not us. I think only one of my 11 siblings got that and he was born on her birthday and has a similar nature to her. Perhaps it’s the day? My nephew, also born on that day is so gentle too. But definitely not her savage daughters.

Look, I know people say to young girls and women, TAKE UP SPACE to combat toxic masculinity.. but I’ve never ascribed to that theory. I would rather bring men up to realise that it’s not okay to take up more space than another person. I would rather bring someone up to my level than to lower myself to theirs. Changes can be made without us all turning into people who believe ourselves better than everyone else. No one benefits from that attitude in this world. But standing up for yourself is a different kettle of fish. And not lowering my voice doesn’t mean making my voice louder. It’s not about screaming or yelling. It just means I won’t quieten or dilute who I am to make someone else feel superior.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this song with you. If you have heard it, continue to ‘not lower your voice’ and if it’s new to you as it was to me, I hope you find it as empowering as I did. I do not want to talk over people or speak when I should be listening. That’s not my intention, but I will not, under any circumstances be silenced again and I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE.

Happy speaking… Livvy xxx