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B4Peace, Bullying, Death, Domestic Violence, Heartache, Loss, Love, Memories, Mental Illness, Police, Self Esteem, tragedy, Vulnerability, White Ribbon Day
Definitely found my self esteem
Finally-I’m forever free to dream
No more cryin’ in the corner
No excuses-no more bruises
I’d rather die standing
Than live on my knees
Begging please-no more…. Shania Twain.. Black Eyes, Blue Tears
Sunday 25th November is White Ribbon Day..It is Australia’s campaign to stop violence against women.. It is a male led campaign that believes most men are good and that good men abhor violence. (straight from their website).. This is an incredibly important campaign and one which holds a very special place in my heart. The fact that it is men who have implemented it is, to me anyway, one of the greatest things about it.
When men have the conversation and speak out against violence toward women, they put their peers, perhaps unknowingly, on notice, to treat women with respect or face being ostracised by your friends. Now, before it gets said, I know there is violence toward men and it is every bit as bad as violence toward women. Emotionally, it may even be more degrading and isolating as men don’t want to speak about it. So I am not, under any circumstances saying that this is one way street, but the day was brought about to highlight violence toward women and that is what I’m talking about today.
I think we have so many days which support different causes (here in Australia at least) that we become a bit blase about them. We buy the ribbon or flower, shove it on for a day, then discard it. How many of us actually think about why we are wearing it? Sometimes we need to personalise things before we understand them completely. I proudly wear a pink ribbon in memory of my cousin Julie who succumbed to breast cancer in her early thirties, leaving three beautiful children without their loving mother. When I wear a red poppy, I remember not only my own father and grandfather who fought in WW1 & WW2 but all the other soldiers who sacrificed so much so we can live the life we do. A yellow daffodil is worn with love and an overwhelming sadness as I remember how cancer took not only my mum’s life but her dignity and quality of life before she finally lost her fight against the insidious disease. When I buy a red nose product, I do so with gratitude that my own 3 children were born healthy and grew past babyhood. So many causes and to me, the ones I choose to support are very personal.
The most personal of all to me is the White Ribbon Campaign. Those of you who know me or who have read a few of my blogs will know that my daughter Aimee died when she was only 10. According to the authorities, Aimee was a road toll statistic. I know she wasn’t. Aimee was a victim of domestic violence. You see violence comes in many forms. It’s not just about being hit or kicked or punched. It’s also about being threatened, intimidated, controlled and held to ransom in some way.
On the record, I am a victim of domestic violence. I had numerous AVO’s against my ex husband as he assaulted me and stalked me for a number of years before and after we separated. The children were used as a weapon to control me. I heard constantly that if I didn’t take him back, he would kill them and teach me a lesson. That is the worst violence you can commit towards a mother. Her children are so much more important than her own life. I hate reliving these years as I am embarrassed that I stayed. I am ashamed that I was the sort of “weak woman” I always thought less of, for allowing someone to dominate her. Most of all, I feel an overwhelming guilt that because of the choices I made, my daughter’s life ended prematurely. I can listen to all the experts in the world telling me it was not my fault but they will never convince me. I failed in the worst possible way as a parent.
I used to say (and I’m sure some of you are thinking it now).. if it’s that bad, why do they stay.. If a man hit me, I’d be out the door, never to return. Let me tell you, most domestic violence doesn’t just start with a brutal attack, (though I know some do). It starts in different ways that are harder to recognise and life isn’t always as simplistic as we think it should be. My ex started by isolating me from friends and family. He would behave so badly at times that I was embarrassed so I just avoided putting myself in a situation where I could be. I lost most of my friends at that time. It was just too hard.
Do you leave a man for that? That is, if you even recognise that it’s happening. Then when the isolation turns into control and you are questioned as to why you took so long doing the shopping, you try to make excuses. I mean, I had the 3 kids with me.. Surely he wasn’t suggesting I was having an affair was he? No, he was obviously just having a bad day… or a bad week… or a bad month.. you get my drift. So, do you tear a family apart for that? Do you say to your children, we can’t live with Daddy anymore because he thinks I take too long doing the shopping?
Your self esteem starts to slip. Now that’s not an easy thing for a Leo.. Our sense of self is pretty well established. But after a while, the isolation and lack of trust starts to eat away at your self confidence and you start to question if you have done something wrong to make him think that way. He tells you often enough it’s all your fault and after a while, you start to agree. So by the time the first push happens, and he tells you that because you pushed him back (yes I did stand up for myself ), that you were as bad as him, you believe it. But is a simple shove enough to live life as a single parent. I mean, you’ve been told time and time again that you are fat and ugly and you’re lucky he loves you just as you are. Who else is going to love you? Is it really fair for your children to grow up in a broken home because he pushed you and you pushed him back? Your mother is living in a granny flat in the backyard.. Is that one push enough to risk making her homeless if things get nasty? You feel trapped which increases his power over you.
It’s never as simple as it sounds. Deep down, you know you should have drawn the line in the sand earlier. You know you should have stopped it at day one but you didn’t even realise it was happening, so how can you stop it? By the time it’s obvious to you, you feel it’s your fault as you allowed it to happen.
I have to tell you, my ex husband wasn’t a monster. Nor did he have any substance abuse. He had a breakdown. He was a very placid man when we first met. I was the loud, over the top person. I had the opinions and he just agreed with them. I was the one with the short fuse, not him. I had agreed to be with him for better or for worse. Maybe this was the worse but it would blow over eventually?
It first reached crisis point when Aimee was five, Lachlan four and Stuart two. Aimee was outside playing with her cousin, and got too busy, as five year olds sometimes do, and forgot to go to the toilet and pooed in her pants. Her father punched her and called her a stupid slut. (sorry about the word.. but it’s what he said). That was my breaking point. I don’t know if I was angrier about the punch or the name calling. Regardless, I said he had to leave and get help. He went back to live with his mother and seemed to try to get himself back under control.
The kids missed him, I was finding it hard to cope on my own with 3 children 5 and under and he wanted to come home. So I let him. I mean, what sort of mother was I to deprive my kids of their father? The transformation only lasted for about a week before the same behaviour patterns started all over again. I was so ashamed to tell anyone what was happening. I’d taken him back. I’d made my bed and now I had to lie in it.
I got choked, I got pushed, I got my hair pulled, I was forced to have sex but I was never punched.. so that meant I wasn’t an abused wife.. Or so he told me. I became over vigilant with the kids and would smack them for the tiniest misdemeanor before he could. I became controlling over them as I had no control in any other part of my life. I was a lousy mother back then. I will regret till the day I die, how I treated my children. I have since apologised to my boys but can never expect complete forgiveness. I can never tell my gorgeous girl just how sorry I am for the way I treated her. (I’m crying with shame as I write this)
At the time, my ex decided that since he’d worked all along, it was time I worked and he could stay at home and “bludge” like I’d always done. I started work at a golf club, met a lady who has become one of my dearest friends and I found myself again. I started to gain confidence back as I was around people who actually seemed to like me. I had worked late one night, catering a chinese banquet for a large group of people and when I got home, the house was a mess, the kids in bed in their dirty daytime clothes and I asked him what he’d made for dinner. He said that he and the kids had pizza.. I could get my own bloody dinner. I think that was my second breaking point. I’d been on such a high at work then came home to that. I told him I wanted a divorce. He didn’t believe me.
It took me a few more weeks to get him out of the house. I asked him for a temporary break and he went to stay with friends in Queensland. He left there telling them he was coming home to kill me and the kids so when they phoned me and told me to be careful, I laid low and kept watch. He finally got home one day, forced his way into the house, smashed my head through a plaster wall and when I fell on the ground, he started kicking me. All this in front of my kids. Aimee stood screaming, Lachlan ran to get my mum and Stuart (all of 3 at the time) launched himself at my ex and started biting his leg. Terrified he would be thrown through the air, I got up and tried to get him off. By the time Mum walked in, my ex ran out the front.
When I’d calmed everyone down, I locked Mum and the kids in the house, climbed over the back fence through a neighbours house to get to the police station. I was greeted at the door by an officer who said I couldn’t come in as my ex was in there devastated by what I’d done to him. What the?????? I, of course, got defensive and angry, which in the officer’s eyes just confirmed the fact that I was the bitch troll from hell who was out to destroy her husband. After much argument, he finally conceded to come around and see what had happened. The hole in the wall, he said, happened because I tripped and fell.. He’d been told this by my ex and he believed him over me. I felt like I was in a no win situation.
A while afterwards, my ex told me he was going to take the kids, put them in a car and kill them. That would pay me back for leaving him.. I finally went to the court and got a restraining order against him. Let me tell you something here…. if the police don’t want to help you, that paper is worth nothing. That initial reaction of the first police officer spread through the others and they all saw me as a ball breaker and him as the innocent victim.
I don’t have the time, energy or upload limit to tell you everything that happened leading up to my daughter’s death. I am writing a book about her but it’s a long and hard journey. Suffice to say, over the next four years, Mum, the kids and I were stalked, harassed, threatened, physically injured, had our things stolen and vandalised. We had so many intervention orders and court appearances for breaches of the orders, plus family law court appearances that even holding a job down became hard. The police were, on the whole, no help at all. There were one or two good ones, but basically, my fate had been sealed as far as they were concerned.
Thankfully, my mother diarised all of the contact we had with them and I have a plethora of paperwork and newspaper articles relating to it all so have proof of the treatment we received. Finally after four years, everything had calmed down. He didn’t even want to see the kids and we were all happy again. After six months, he took me back to court yet again to re establish access although he had ceased it. I have to admit, I was excited about having a weekend to myself and so was looking forward to it. I honestly thought things might have settled themselves down. What a fool I was.. and a selfish one at that.
Aimee didn’t want to go and only agreed because she felt the need to look after the boys. I was at a housewarming party on the Saturday when a friend of mine, who was a police officer, knocked at the door. He told me the kids were involved in an accident and I had to go to the hospital. As we walked outside, he put his arms around me and told me Aimee wasn’t with us anymore. The rest is too hard to recount here. My life would never be the same again.. Nor would my boy’s lives. Stuart was in critical condition in intensive care with serious head injuries and Lachlan also had head injuries. The trauma they have lived through is unthinkable.
The day of Aimee’s funeral, I was served with court papers because the boys were still in hospital and he wanted to take them out for his access visit. He walked past my brother saying, I hope this won’t take long. I have better things to do with my day. Not long after he had me arrested for making threats against him (I hadn’t seen him). He took me to court because I refused to put his name on her headstone (of which he paid for nothing). His behaviour went on and on. He was found to be responsible for her death but none of his threats or previous convictions were allowed to be brought into the Coroner’s Court. He was charged with dangerous driving and had his license suspended for 6 months and got a $1000 fine. The boys and I got a life sentence.
My gorgeous girl was 10 years and 26 days old when she left this world. Aimee is counted as one of 418 road fatalities that happened in 1995. In my opinion, that count should be 417 as she was a victim of domestic violence not a car accident. Aimee’s death may just be a statistic to other people. To us, it was soul destroying. And then to have to handle the travesty of justice that followed… well, there are no words that can tell you how I feel about it all.
The point I’m trying to convey here, is that we need to change the way we think.. Until every police officer takes complaints seriously, until every woman thinks before she accuses someone of something they didn’t do, until the court system is fair, just and reasonable, deaths will still happen. We need to change the world. We need to say no to any violence. We need to speak out when we see or hear of it. We need to take all forms of bullying seriously. We need to create a world where children don’t suffer at the hands of adults and where women don’t feel they have no choices. We need to be aware. To pinch a line from a recent anti violence campaign in Geelong, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. If you know or even suspect it’s happening to someone, just let them know you’re there and you believe them. Start the conversation with your friends. Let them know that you say no to violence against anyone. Maybe by speaking out, a life may be changed or even saved.
Tomorrow I will wear a white ribbon for my beautiful Aimee Louise and for my amazing, resilient and loving sons who have endured more in their 20 odd years on this earth than most adults will in a lifetime. I will wear it to try to forgive myself for my lack of action right from the start. I hope that even if you don’t wear a ribbon, you will pause in your day and spare a thought for all the victims of domestic violence, men, women and children. I hope you will teach your sons and daughters to give and receive respect, both to themselves and to others. Most of all, I hope you will start the conversation.. The more we speak, the more hope we have of changing the world. Oh and hug your kids if you can. They are the most precious gift we have.
Please feel free to share, reblog and talk about this to your friends and contacts. The conversation can start right here. My angel will thank you for it.
Happy hugging… Livvy 🙂
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Susan said:
Livonne, I really admire your strength. You have not weak and have actually defined what role a mother plays in the life of their children. The story that you have shared is really sad but I am sure it provides you the strength to move on..You are a great great woman.
Livonne said:
Thank you Susan. I’ve been very blessed to be surrounded by good people who have helped me get through it all. and my sons are just amazing adults.. I’m very blessed indeed 🙂
Glenn said:
Reblogged this on Glenn Howard M.
balnavj said:
I’ve just read your story again Liv and once more am blown away by your ability to make me understand just how fortunate I was and am both as a child and an adult. I was never ever a victim of domestic violence and am married to the best man I know. It just took me a long time to realise it. Someone said earlier that you are brave and I have to concur with them, for you have had the fortitude to write of your life and had the courage to lay bare your demons. Kudos to you dear girl with much love and respect. Xxxx
Livonne said:
Reblogged this on Livonne and commented:
It’s White Ribbon Day today and this is the blog I wrote last year to encourage people to wear a white ribbon, but most importantly, to start the conversation about domestic violence. It’s only by talking about it that we can make a difference to the mindset. This blog won “Outstanding Advocacy Blog” and I am so proud of this as it is the most important blog post I’ve ever written. Happy White Ribbon Day… Livvy 🙂
Laxmi said:
Thanks for sharing your life experiences. I guess a woman suffers equally in any part of the world when it comes to domestic violence. Having children make a mother think twice before leaving the relationship. I am sorry about your loss. I hope you have the courage and strength to heal.
Livonne said:
Thank you.. I am happy again. It’s taken a long time to heal but I’ve been very blessed with wonderful family and friends.. but most importantly, the most amazing sons.. Every tear I have cried was worth the 10 wonderful years I had with my darling girl.. 🙂
aj vosse said:
Not easy reading on a Saturday morning but boy, am I glad I stopped to read this post!! I will be wearing a white ribbon in November… and I’m sure once I’ve told my sons about this post, so will they.
Mercifully, we have never had issues with domestic violence… oh, I’ve on the odd occasion threatened to box the head of someone… but the way you have shared your story makes one sit up and take notice of the hurt and grief so many endure!
Yes, I’ll be wearing a ribbon. Yes, nearer the time I’ll do a post linking to your blog. Thanks for sharing and just so you know… I’ve never worn a ribbon of any sort but this year I’ll wear a poppy and a white ribbon! Thank you!
God bless you and help you sustain the inner strength that makes enduring the pain just a little easier!
Livonne said:
Thank you. It means so much to me that people are reading it and that the message is getting out there. I just watched my baby son (nearly 25 lol) get married last weekend, so life is good again but will never be what it once was. By writing about it, I feel like I’m doing something. Thank you for reading it and for wearing a white ribbon 🙂
The Sundog Drift said:
I’m so sorry for your loss and the shit you have has to endure. I am the victim of domestic violence brought by my first husband. Your speaking out is good because some people don’t believe it happens or it is brought on by the abused. I never went after my ex for his court ordered child support because I was afraid he’d come after me. So he abandoned his two beautiful children to get at me….or so I think. Maybe someday I will write about it. My now husband is a angel. I hope you find an angel.
Livonne said:
I’m so pleased you’ve found someone who treats you with love and respect. I’ve been very lucky in my life as I’ve been surrounded by good and decent people. 🙂
its-about one thing said:
I am sorry for your loss. Your writings are very poignant.
Livonne said:
Thank you so much. 🙂
Po' Girl Shines said:
God bless and keep you and your family. You were wrong about one thing. Your ex-husband was a monster. When they are not human, you have to verify what are they. Rogue animals are dangerous and unpredictable and we are animals. People don’t realize just how much religious training helps society in this regard. It helps to civilize those that need it and remind people that they are all going to face eternity one day. None of this is your fault for the fact that you took the high road and decided to trust him and most of us do this daily. He was the one that failed the test. Take heart in knowing you did the right thing and that’s all you can do in this world. Keep the faith and teach your children well.
Lusiana Njo said:
I’m so sorry about what happened to you and your children. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope it will inspire other women or make them feel less alone.
jjspina said:
Livonne,
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you to heal. I can’t imagine what you have gone through but I can understand what you mean about your children having a father. I had an unhappy first marriage with a controlling husband. He did not beat me but used psychological means to undermine my self esteem and that of my children. I left him once before my children were born, then took him back. I then wanted to leave after the kids were older but he prevented me from leaving by threats. I wanted my children to have a father. It took 25 years before I divorced him and now I have a wonderful husband who is supportive and loving.
Keep faith and look forward. May God bless you. I will be following you if you need to contact me. Take care.
Janice
Livonne said:
Thank you Janice. I’m very happy nowadays. Time does heal all wounds though it never takes away the scars. I will miss her till the day I die but am so lucky to have the love and devotion of my two sons as well as the support of so many good and kind people like yourself. I’m so pleased you have found happiness too. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone…. but I’m loving my life for now.. I am truly blessed 🙂
Felicity Ivers said:
Thank you for sharing.
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sheila bateman said:
I have read your beautiful blog! What a horrible thing for you and your beautiful children to go through! i am so saddened for you your family and your beautiful Aimee! Sheila
Livonne said:
thanks sheila.. I was very lucky to have had her for 10 years.. she was an amazing kid.. 🙂
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Mollie Walker Freeman said:
Thank you for stopping by my blog, & thank you for sharing your story. I recently learned that a dear friend has been in an abusive marriage for many years, & has been keeping it a secret. My heart aches for her, for you, & all the others who are experiencing some of the worst that this life can dish out.
Please know that there are many of us who stand with you, & I also believe that God weeps with you.
Though my childhood was far from perfect, & my own marriage is far from perfect, like you, I know that there are many good men in this world, & I count my father & husband among them. I am extremely thankful for all the “good ones!” I pray for healing for you, & especially for your sons, that they also may become caring, compassionate men who are loved and who overcome the hardship & sorrow they have known, & are able to help others.
Livonne said:
Thank you.. we are finally happy again. and I know only one man did this to me. I count a lot of males as good mates who have stood by me during the hard times.. Thanks so much for your kind words 🙂
Just Write Away said:
Ma’am, I guess I am just speechless and don’t know what to say after reading your post. I think you’re a very brave courageous mother. God bless you and your family.
Livonne said:
Thank you. I’m very blessed with the children I have left and the friends and family who surround me. and the new blogging friends I am making 🙂
Joy is now said:
Oh my goodness. I am blown away. I also follow a great blog called Prego and the Loon who is highlighting domestic violence. I can’t begin to comment on what you’ve been through but I am so glad you tell your story here. We all need a voice. Hugs Livonne.
Livonne said:
thanks so much.. I also follow Prego and the loon.. We all need to speak out to get the message through.. only then can things change.
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Raven Corwin, aka Meggie said:
People strong enough to share their stories, like you, make a difference for everyone. I’ll be posting a white ribbon on my FaceBook tomorrow.
Livonne said:
Thank you so much. Feel free to share the story too, if you feel you want to. All I hope is I can make a difference to one person. 🙂
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crystylclear said:
Oh god. I’m just in tears. First, I want to commend you for the bravery shown in penning your story. I could relate to so much of what you experienced, as a mother myself. Our kids are our weak spots and men exploit that when exerting control over the mother. Your story is our story and my heart just goes out to you. You seem to be a wiser and stronger woman. Thank you for sharing.
Livonne said:
Thank you. I just hope that by sharing my story, someone else may find the strength they need to leave before something tragic happens.. Our kids are our weak spot.. you’re right.. They should never be used as weapons.. Hopefully, one day people will realise that
Christa said:
wow. I sit here reading this and a few things come to mind. First, you’re very brave. Second I hope writing this brought you some degree of release. I can so relate to you right now. Luckily my kids and I got out in time even though it involved moving to a different country. I applaud you Liv. And I for one, will remember with you your daughter and all you and your family went through. Thanks for sharing this.
Livonne said:
Thanks Christa.. hopefully it will encourage otheers who have been in our situation to get out while they can.. Thanks for your kind thoughts xxx
Hollie said:
So much of this I already knew, but so much I did not. I can’t even put in to words what I want to say. My red puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks and the lump in my throat say it all though. </3
Livonne said:
You were so young, though I guess Aimee did talk about some of it. It was hard.. I just hope someone reading it won’t put up with it for as long as we did.. xxx
Deb said:
Can’t stop the tears Cuz, I have been very fortunate that I have not had to suffer the hand of a brute, the older i get the more I understand and only wish that more would gain understanding and compassion for the victims of domestic violence. Speak up and Men you absolutely need to make it known that under no circumstances is this ever acceptable, your words to those that do these despicable acts could save a life. As Liv says it is not just Men that are abusers it is Women and children too.
Livonne said:
You may not have suffered this sort of violence Deb, but you’ve known the heartache of losing a loved one. and yes, women are abusers too.. in some circumstances, it is worse for them as they get ridiculed as being wimps.. so very unfair. Speaking out is the only tool I have to help… I hope it works.. even just to help one person
Stephen Wight said:
Hello Liv, yes I do agree with you and White Ribbon day. Last year I had found a place that had been selling the wrist bands for this cause and I proudly bought one and wore it all year and had the thoughts of a time past when as a young boy (13-14) was the defender of my mother as she suffered physical and verbal abuse at the hands of my father. I was also physically abused around these time for standing up to my father and my efforts to stop the physical abuse.
I know in some ways of the emotions you had to deal with when you sat down and wrote your story, the emotions of a time past and certainly the emotions of a child’s lost life. No parent expects to outlive their child and to have them pass in circumstances that should never have happened..well!!
The short time I have known you I have found you to be a wonderful person, I’m sure many many others have also. You have a family that care for you and I’m sure want you to be the best person you can be.
Regards
Stephen
Livonne said:
Thanks Stephen. Yes it was hard to write. I know my boys found it hard to read too.. I don’t think those feelings ever really go away. I just hope that by any of us who have been affected speaking out we can hopefully encourage people to find the strength to walk away. Hope you’re well. It’s been ages since I’ve seen you. 🙂
Diane said:
Hi Livvy, your story is very moving. I can relate to alot of what you have written, ashamedly I am one of the woman who always said, if a man ever hit me I’d be gone, but I stayed too. As you say, unless you are in the situation you don’t understand the manipulation these terrible men have over you.
I don’t want to go into my story, I’m not as brave as you, just know my love and thoughts are with you. xxx
Livonne said:
It’s not about brave Diane.. I felt like I didn’t speak out when Aimee died, so I let her down.. I’m finally giving her a voice. Like I should have done years ago. I hope you too got out.. That’s where the courage lies.. In getting out and starting again.. Thank you so much xx
Chezza said:
What a highly emotional piece of writing Liv, I can only imagine how you felt as you composed this. Hopefully your journey will inspire all women caught up in this ugly cycle, to grab hold of their courage and step forward to freedom xx
Livonne said:
Thanks Chez… Yes it was very difficult to write.. so much guilt and grief but if just one person reads it, identifies themselves and as a result a child doesn’t have to go through what mine did, it was worth all the tears. xxx
Claire Duffy said:
Such a sad story. White Ribbon Day is a timely reminder of how important it is to speak out about sexism, and of how hard it can be to do so. Women need to help each other to bring about change. Here are some ideas to help women speak out: http://wp.me/p2k3hy-HZ
Livonne said:
Thanks Claire.. Some great ideas there.. thanks so much for sharing them. Livvy 🙂
Moyra Gaunt said:
Hugs my friend Livvy.
Livonne said:
Thank you Moyra xx
smithy57 said:
oh Livvvy I am bawling my eyes out here after reading this what you went through ,the strength you have to keep going for your childreen is amazing as any mother would do.Wish I could hug you right know darl you have certainly been through a big ordeal over the years .xoxox I believe in karma and he will get his im sure
Livonne said:
Thanks cruisy…. he already has.. hes a very sad man these days.. and I got the better deal.. my boys. xxx
Kim Allum said:
Love you chooky & if I could be there I would wrap my arms around you & hug you tight. You know I’m pretty placid but I remember one night laying in bed thinking it was going to take me too long to get to the kitchen to get a knife after my ex threw a huge barrage at me when he was drunk. I’d had enough…..got out of bed, grabbed the bedside digital clock & whacked him so hard I still wonder if he hadn’t been asleep, if I would have knocked him out. Massive lump on his head the next day & he never, ever believed I’d had the guts to do it. I’m with you today in spirit & thought xxx
Livonne said:
Thanks Kim.. I think that unless people have experienced it, they can’t know the highs and lows you go through.. Hopefully bringing awareness to it can help someone else. xxx