Snap…… thump! … glug glug glug….Ahhhhhhhh!!!! Does everyone know what time it is? Yes, that’s right.. It’s half past bra off & wine o’clock. My favorite time of the day. It’s the time of day where I figure I’m safe from people knocking at the door unless I know them and they’re there for a cup of tea or a glass of wine with me, preferably the latter. There comes a time when if someone comes to the door to try to sell me Gas, Electricity, IPads, a new phone, eternal life or Timeshares in a Resort that doesn’t exist, if they catch me in my flannies, they just have to cope with the assault on their senses.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, pyjamas are in Australia known as flannies (if they are made of flannelette), jammies, jarmies, jim jams and PJ’s. I’m sure there are other names I can’t think of off the top of my head. I live in the Blue Mountains where it is coolish most of the year so since I shifted here, I have stocked up on my jammies collection to ward off the cold. I also have a larger collection of dressing gowns (robes), slippers, scarves, hats, gloves and coats than I’ve ever owned in my life.
The weather usually starts to get cool around 4 pm so by 5pm, I hop into my jim jams and slippers, start to prepare dinner, pour myself a wine and just generally relax. Woe betide the door to door salesman who wants to come knocking when I’m ready to chill out. There is a decent time to come knocking at the door and after 5 isn’t it unless you are lost, broken down, a friend, a millionaire who wants to marry me and keep me in a style to which I’m not accustomed, even an enemy if they are bearing wine and chocolate. Anyone else, go away!! If I’m watching tv and it’s really cold, I wrap myself in a snuggy (you know those stupid blankets with sleeves we all laugh at, but all own?). If I have to stir dinner, I can shuffle out to the kitchen in the snuggy, stir what needs stirring and shuffle back again. The only time this is near impossible is if the snuggy has inbuilt feet pockets.. I tried that once to keep my feet warm but ended up with concussion and a lump the size of England on my head. Anyway, its currently summer so the snuggies are all packed away. The flannies aren’t yet as the nights have still been coolish.
Now I think every woman knows the relief when you finally unclip your bra, pull your arms out of your sleeves, remove the straps from your shoulders, wriggle the bra down your body, chuck it on the floor and put your arms back in your sleeves. Some of my friends don’t even wait till they’re home, but do it as soon as they hit the confines of their car after work. Whoever invented the bra OBVIOUSLY never wore one..( Pretty much like the person who invented stilettos but I’ll keep that whinge for another day. )
I don’t care if it was Otto Tittsling, Phillipe DeBrassiere or Howard Hughes who first created them, all I know is that they are weapons of torture. They have uncomfortable wires and clips. They dig in.. they ride up..the cups are made the same size when no pair is ever completely equal. Now I know I’m starting to sound like an advertisement for those Ahh Bra’s but let me tell you, it’s all true. I should add here, for those who don’t know me, that I am very, shall I say, ample breasted. Reubens would definitely have found inspiration in my cleavage. I don’t mean to be rude, but these girls are so big they have their own postcode (zipcode for my American friends) I have been known to donate my old bra’s to third world countries where they use them to house whole villages. Suffice it to say, I am not flat chested. So to fight the war against gravity that is needed for breasts this size and a woman my age, a bra has to have more reinforcement than a Sherman Tank.
I have tried the aforementioned Ahhh Bra but as soon as I opened the packet, I knew I was kidding myself. Please.. If I tried to squeeze myself into that thing, by the time I finally got it on, it would be 5pm and time to take it back off again. They say, shop to your top.. Well yes I did.. And that thing was going nowhere close to fitting this body. Besides that, it does take some pretty clever engineering to lift these girls to the skies nowadays. I have asked for help from NASA but so far they haven’t answered me.. I think they are on the side of gravity.. and gravity, as we all know, is evil.
Anyway, back to my flannies.. once I’m relaxed and in them, I love to have a glass of wine. I don’t drink a lot, I can’t stand the hangover, but I do enjoy a glass of a night. I’m more of a white wine girl than red wine although lately my drink of choice has been Dolcetta & Syrah.. The reason this is such a good wine, is that it tastes more like a white wine, is light like a white, even has a slight fizz to it but is actually red.. Not pink like Rose, but red. So I can drink it happily knowing it has antioxidants in it and my doctor would approve. The same goes with chocolate. Okay, I know they say that it is dark chocolate that has the antioxidants in it, but milk chocolate with caramello on the inside is just dark chocolate with some added extras. Dipped in red wine, it is a tonic like no other..
Just as another aside for those of you who still think that chocolate is bad for you.. Think about it.. Its 2 of your major food groups. A glass and a half of full cream milk goes into every block… or so the ad said, and advertising would never lie would it?? so that glass and a half of full cream milk accounts for your calcium intake for the day and we all know that as we get older we need calcium.. And what is chocolate made out of.. The cocoa bean.. and what is a bean?? That’s right my friends… A VEGETABLE. and we all know that vegetables are good for you…. so it really is the health food of a nation.
I’m always thinking of ways to improve my health. For example, I keep my blocks of nutritious chocolate on the top shelf of the fridge. Two things calories hate and that is heights and the cold.. so if I store them on the top shelf, the calories decide to jump out and VOILA! no calorie chocolate. The thing to be careful of here is that they haven’t jumped into something in the bottom of the fridge like the vegetable crisper.. so just to make sure, I try to avoid the vegies I think they may have landed in (like peas ewwww).
I have other health related concerns too. I know everyone says exercise is good for you, but seriously, do they need to say things like fun run? There is nothing fun about running when you have a chest the size of mine. It is downright dangerous. I get bruised knees and black eyes when I attempt it, even when I have the fully engineered Sherman Tank on. And don’t get me started on cycling,.. I have a theory…. if God had meant us to ride bikes, our bottoms would be shaped like bike seats… they aren’t .. they are shaped more like car seats.. hmmmm. now what does that tell you????I think dear friends, that is enough evidence for even the most hardened of health fanatics. But in case you’re still unconvinced, let me give you more proof.
I used to be a lot more fit and active than I am now. I went roller skating when I was about 18 and broke my leg badly. I was out of action for quite a few months. If I had been standing still, I probably wouldn’t have broken it.. Although, having seen my friend Anne and I pull our leggings up, right over our shoulders so we had no arms and then start dancing, falling headfirst into the floor with no arms to stop ourselves, I guess I could have easily done the same thing standing still.. But I didn’t.. I broke my leg while exercising.. and that is that!
You know the old joke about going to an aerobics class and sweating, straining, bending, reaching, pulling lunging… and by the time I got the leotard on, the session was over?? Well that was written about me. I’m not saying I’m unfit, but I rolled over on the couch the other day and got a stitch… And why do people pay exorbitant prices to join a gym, just to ride a bike and walk on a treadmill and get nowhere.. Seriously, if I’m going to torture myself with walking and riding, I at least want to end up somewhere where they serve nachos and wine. I’m also genuinely scared of wearing lycra for fear my thighs will rub together and cause me to spontaneously self combust. Not a pretty sight..I really do believe exercise is a highly overrated, even dangerous past time.
When I first got my dog Bobby, I decided to take him for nice long walks so we could both get fit. Bobby is a toy maltese terrier and looks suspiciously like a size 7 slipper, so the first day we headed out and he was so excited, his little legs couldn’t go fast enough.. He trotted at a fast pace, so happy to be out walking with me.. Next day, we set out again, he got halfway round the walk and sat down and refused to budge. I tried dragging him.. I tried that stupid, high pitched, excited voice you’re supposed to encourage dogs with… I even tried reasoning with him in the street much to the amusement of passers by. All to no avail. I had to pick him up and carry him the rest of the way home. By the time I got there, my arms were sorer than my legs. Anytime after that when I picked up the lead, he stood up, walked to his basket and fell asleep. I have a sneaking suspicion that he was faking it. Even he knows that exercise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I used to play basketball, but by the time I got up to one end of the court, the rest of the pack were back down the other.. This body was not built for speed. Of course, when I started playing basketball, I tried to buy a good sports bra in the days where I thought I still had a chance of outwitting gravity. Guess what? Lingerie companies don’t make sports bras for bigger busted women. Only for smaller busted women who really don’t need one with quite the same engineering as my mammoth mammaried mates and myself. Oh well. I guess they too were trying to tell me something. I wasn’t cut out for sport either.
It’s not like I never exercise. I walk to the shop to get chocolate.. I run late all the time. My heart skips a beat when Robert Downey Jnr, Colin Firth or James Garner are on the TV.. I jump out of my skin during thunderstorms and I hop off the couch to go to the fridge when I need another wine. Here is where I ask you to read only the bold type and pat me on the back for being so health conscious. I feel really self righteous when you do that for me.
Anyway, it’s time I took my flannies and book and went to bed. There’s nothing like getting horizontal with a book. Hopefully soon you’ll be able to read all about my fitness routine in my new ebook…. How I became Elle McPherson’s body double… I kept eating till I was double her size… It’s really worth a read 😉
Til then.. Happy “half past bra off & wine o’clocking”… Livvy 🙂