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She was used to being swamped so showed no signs of struggle. No one reached out a hand to help her. They didn’t know she was drowning…..Livonne

I can’t wait for my operation and treatment to be over and to be back at my art again as soon as possible,  as it’s proven to be the most healing thing for my soul.  I am working on a large body of work that tells the story of my life but I am not in the headspace right now to commit fully to it.   I’m swamped with fear and feel like I’m drowning in emotions. It’s not a pleasant place to be.

So many thoughts are running at full speed through my mind that I’m worn out from thinking.  I can be feeling so positive that I will beat the bleep, then without a moment’s warning, I am filled with dread at the thought of everything going wrong.  I go into hospital in 9 days (but who’s counting) and I’m sure once I’m actually going through it all, I’ll start to focus completely on wellness.   At the moment, it’s the fear of the unknown that is playing havoc with my usually positive mindset.

It is important to me to always try to show my best face to the world.  I hate appearing weak or frightened.  Having been through so many traumas in my lifetime, I’ve become great at not showing any emotion.   When it all gets too much and I’m being swamped with emotion, I just try to stay afloat and not drown. Show no sign of what’s really happening.  It’s a coping mechanism.  Stay very still and maybe, just maybe, no one will notice you and you’ll be safe.

While this has been a very useful tool throughout my life, it also means that because I’m not thrashing around trying to save myself, nobody actually notices when I’m drowning.  They get sucked in by the calm facade that I’ve built around myself.  As a result, only a few people realise that under the surface, I’m treading water as frantically as I can to try to stay afloat.

If you have that one strong friend who seems unflappable, try to look below the surface to see if they are just adept at hiding their struggle.  It’s not easy to change the way you show yourself to the world, so reach out a hand even if they don’t seem to be struggling.  They may not accept it, but they will feel better that you’ve offered it.  Trust me!

Happy floating… Livvy xx

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