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As I rolled over in bed last night, my toenail caught in the sheet. It must have been slightly torn – the toenail that is.. not the sheet.  It would never have bothered me being a bit jagged but once I felt it catch once,  I couldn’t get my mind off it.  One tiny little jagged nail and it annoyed me all night.

I couldn’t help but wonder what use toenails actually are.  I mean, shouldn’t all of our body parts have a use? Can anyone tell me what use toenails are… other than as a decoration when painted in strappy sandals? I understand fingernails.  I mean we use them to scratch, pick and gouge with.  If they are well manicured, fingernails are not only useful but also decorative.  When you have an itch, they are the most useful part of the body at that particular moment in time.  Some of the uses for fingernails aren’t particularly glamorous but they are useful.  I bite my fingernails and it really is annoying not to have long ones… I like fingernails but toenails?? Seriously..  what the hell are they for?

Most body parts I get. I think we need to think about the useless ones, so I’ll start from the top and work down. Hair? Well I guess it  does keep us warm in winter. It also looks great when it’s dyed, permed, blowdried within an inch of it’s life, lacquered, sprayed and tortured to look as natural as possible.  Eyebrows may look pointless but they stop sweat running straight into our eyes from our forehead.  Sweat in the eyes really hurts.. all that salt and all, so eyebrows are really useful.  Eyes, nose and mouth are completely useful.. Lips are a bit iffy but I guess they do make a good frame for lipstick and without them, Sesame Street would never be brought to you by the letter M.

Then there are ears.  I understand the ear canal.. that’s how we hear.. And I even understand the ear shell itself, because it protects the canal from bugs and stuff flying into it.  But can anyone explain the ear lobe? I mean, other than to hang earrings on, what is the point of the lobe itself?  Some people have big ones, some small.. but they are  pretty useless all in all.

As we move down the body, lets talk about male nipples.  I mean really…. why?  The female nipple is obviously part of the food chain.. but a man’s is pretty damn pointless.  Well.. maybe a bit pointy…. but usually flat.. and definitely useless.  I guess the one bonus with them, is the puerile, childish game of nipple cripples that men like to play with each other. I don’t think that’s enough to save them though, so I vote they be put in the “body parts we don’t need” section of our anatomy.

Moving further down…  welcome to the navel.  Seriously, other than to collect belly button fluff, what is there?  Now I would  think this would be a reasonable bodily function IF AND ONLY IF we could find something handy to make from said fluff.  But, I have yet to see Better Homes & Gardens learning how to spin bellybutton fluff into yarn and then knitting a jumper out of it.  Other than to flick at people, is there a way we could utilise the fluff so we could put the belly button into the “must have” body part section?  I think not!! I do understand the navel was once attached to the umbilical cord, thus feeding us while we were in utero… but once it’s been cut, wouldn’t you think the scar would eventually heal over?  If I leave earrings out of my ears for a few months, those holes close over.. but the belly button just never goes away.  Completely and utterly useless for anything really other than to stick a Malteser in and see how long you can keep it there for.

Body hair….. I cannot find anything this is good for…and when I think of the time I have wasted over the years, shaving, plucking, waxing… this is actually more than useless, it’s actually potential destroying.  I could have achieved so much more if I didn’t have to do all that depilation so my whole life has been negatively impacted by body hair.  I’d go so far as to say, its not just useless but actually evil.  Have I ever had any repercussions from removing the hair?? Not a one! Therefore, I must lump body hair into the useless (and evil) category.

I’m guessing cellulite is nature’s way of telling us to start walking more… but I never did listen to nature as often as I should have, so blah blah blah to    that.  I actually think that orange peel effect is quite artistic.  If we all had perfect, unblemished skin, how boring would it be.  No, variety is the spice of life… and we all know that spice and orange peel is the perfect combination.. 🙂

So let’s recap… we’ve put ear lobes, mens nipples, belly buttons, body hair, cellulite and toenails in the useless category.   Now to be fair to the first three, you can decorate all of them with piercings if you’re so inclined.. so I guess we could say while they are useless, they do have some “able to be decorated” function… and ear lobes do come in handy when you want to mime “sounds like” in charades.  Men’s nipples, as discussed earlier at least provide teenage boys and grown men with amusement, nipple crippling each other so they can’t be considered the most useless.  Belly buttons were at least useful in our creation and the wonder of birth, so I have to allow them some respect on that level.  Body hair?? well it does come in handy when you are trying to douse the affections of an ardent admirer you can’t stand.  Hairy armpits and legs that look like Tarzan has hidden in them can be a bit off putting on females or so I’ve been told.  Personally speaking.. in the midst of winter, i don’t mind a bit of extra warmth.. I live in a cold climate area.. so I’m going to give them some  degree of credibility in the useful stakes.  Cellulite.. like I said earlier.. I’ve grown accustomed to the orange peel effect.. so I refuse to  say it’s totally unnecessary.

This of course only leaves the toenail..  I’m hoping one of you may be able to save it from the ranks of uselessness but I don’t like my chances.  I cannot find one single use for toenails other than to paint   when you wear sandals… and I don’t think that’s enough  of a saving grace so that means… The winner is…. TOENAILS… Yes… the winner of the most useless body part is  those ten gnarly, ugly looking things on the end of your toes.  They do nothing that could possibly raise them up to a higher level of body part in my opinion.  The tribe has voted.. and they are the body part we could most do without.    Well okay.. I’m the tribe… but I’m writing this blog so it’s my rules… Let me know if you can think of anything that might save it from the award..

Happy clipping… Livvy 🙂

toenails are for sissies