When you believe beyond what your eyes can see, signs from heaven show up to remind you that love never dies…….Julie Clapp
I’ll start by telling you that I am so tired right now that I can’t even find the words to explain it. I’m shifting house. It’s been pretty much just my son Lachlan and me, though a few wonderful friends have helped here and there. In amongst the chaos and exhaustion, I’ve had three really amazing things happen in the space of three nights. Perhaps it’s because I’m so tired that my defences are down, making it easier to get messages across.. Who knows? But I’m so grateful right now for them.
A few nights ago, I stumbled into my new bedroom and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep. During the night, I had the most incredible dream. Now here I have to tell you that as much as I’m a very prolific dreamer, in the 21 years that my beautiful daughter has been gone, I’ve only ever dreamed of her a handful of times, and in all but one of those dreams she has been dead or dying. Even in sleep, my brain wouldn’t let me forget that she was no longer here, so most of the dreams have been unbelievably distressing. Only one, a few years ago, was just of her….no trauma involved.. just her beautiful smiling face but I still never got much time with her.
The other night, however, she stayed with me for ages. We danced, we laughed, we hugged, we kissed, we shopped for new clothes for her. She only wore yellow which in life, she didn’t wear. We spoke openly and honestly, though some things I know she didn’t want me to share. When I woke in the morning, I refused to open my eyes as I didn’t want to leave the dream. When I finally had to open them, they immediately filled with tears at the beauty of having held her. I could still feel her in my arms, still smell her, still hear her voice.
The beauty of the visit stayed with me all day and I felt like I was walking on cloud nine (albeit still on very sore legs ). The connection was so strong still. Later that day, I started unpacking a few boxes at the new place, to give me a bit of a break from the work I had to do still at the old place. I had a box of random stuff that had been sitting unopened for a few years so wanting to clear a lot of stuff out, I went through it.
There I found cards that I can honestly not remember ever having seen. I’m sure I must have, but I have no recollection of them at all. One from Aimee and one from my dear friend Alys, who died a few years ago. Both cards spoke of their love for me. I was moved to tears yet again, but they were also tears of joy. Then Kirsty called in and picked up a photo and asked me who was in it. Yes, it was a photo of Alys. Two angels now sending their love.
I had said to Lachlan earlier in the week, that I couldn’t find my box of treasures from my crystal cabinet and was feeling a bit stressed about it. Anyone who knows me well, knows that my crystal cabinet is one of the most precious things I own. It’s the first thing to be set up whenever I move house and contains the memories of 4 generations. Gargie, Mum, me and my kids. The cabinet itself belonged to my grandmother, then my mum, now to me and is always carried separately from any other furniture. I had looked in every box for the contents and couldn’t see it so thought that maybe it had gone into storage. Then, while I was unpacking another box, it was just there in front of me. I had obviously not opened that one to see the contents.
So what does a girl do late at night when she’s tired? She puts on Under the Tuscan Sun and sits down on the floor amongst a sea of boxes to watch and dream of Italy, while she sets up the crystal cabinet to make the place feel really like home. It always feels so wonderful unwrapping the memories and I carefully placed everything in it’s rightful place feeling more peaceful with each placement. It is full of trinkets. Things that decorated our home when I was a child. An ornament that graced my grandmother’s dressing table. A champagne glass my brother and sister in law gave me on my 21st birthday. Locks of Aimee’s hair and her first shoes. Lots of little gifts she got for her birthday, just 26 days before she died. I could write my whole life from the contents of that cabinet. It holds such an array of snippets of my life. The contents range from valuable to worthless moneywise, but all are completely priceless to me.
Not long after my youngest son Stuart was born, my ex took Aimee and Lachlan shopping and bought 3 tiny, tiny, crystal chicks. Aimee had insisted on them. They were to represent each of the babies and they were under the tree for me at Christmas from the kids. He was not the most prolific gift giver and certainly never anything thoughtful. His idea of the perfect birthday present was to race up to the chemist on the morning of my birthday and ask the assistant for “some smelly stuff”. He actually took great pride in his lack of effort, so these tiny chicks that he chose with the kids, were so special to me.
Sadly when I shifted to NSW, they were never found when I unpacked. They are so small (about 1cm) that I thought they must have been thrown out in the paper I used to wrap them and I was devastated. Every time I shifted, I would hope they would just magically appear but they never did. So last night, as I sat unwrapping my treasures, engrossed in Diane Lane’s adventure in Tuscany, I dropped the lid off a tiny decorative tea pot I was unwrapping. It was fairly dark in the room with only the light of the tv and a lamp but I saw something in the teapot and shook it to get it out. Yes, you guessed it! There were my three tiny chicks. The inside of the teapot is so small that there was hardly room to fit anything in and they fitted so tight, they didn’t fall out easily. I was gobsmacked.
I have looked so many times for these chicks. I have turned the crystal cabinet contents upside down over the years, so how I missed that teapot with the lid that falls off easily, I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. They are safely back in their rightful place amongst my trinkets. I guess my angels are trying to tell me that they like where I am and that all is as it should be. A dream visit, cards of love and now my babies all where they should be….In my forever home!
Happy dreaming….Livvy xxx