I decided to take the day off from TAFE today. I’m exhausted. I’m struggling to learn as quickly as I should be able to and this is making me a bit anxious. This in turn leads to not being able to sleep the night before school so I go in completely tired and am not on my best game anyway. It’s a vicious cycle. Because I’m not taking it all in, I’m anxious so I don’t sleep making it impossible to take it all in.
Last night, I finally dozed off at about 3.30am and then dreamed that I was planning my daughter’s funeral all over again and everything was going wrong. The grief I felt in my dream was completely overwhelming and left me feeling even more exhausted when the alarm went off at 5am than it should have after 1.5 hours sleep. I hit the snooze button and slept through the next alarm, so by the time I woke, it was too late to make the train so I thought about all I could do today at home. I hate missing a day at school as I’m already behind the 8 ball but today I have given myself a mental health and catch up day. I have homework to do and I am going to clean up my computer so it’s not quite so all over the place, a bit like my brain.
So, to start the day slowly, I finally got a chance to have a read through some of the blogs of people who follow my blog while I had a cup of tea. When I first started blogging, I was reading them regularly but recently, feeling so bogged down with the life/school balance and the way my brain has been struggling, I haven’t been reading as regularly as I usually do. I started reading again today and feel totally humbled by the stories I got to read. Stories of violence, abuse and death all told by people with something major in common. These stories are all written by survivors. Amazing people who tell their stories with humility, grace and generosity.
These same people are the ones following my blog and offering me support in my journey through life, yet I have been so absorbed in all I have to do lately, that I’ve been missing out on their stories. I feel very selfish this morning. Here I am writing my blog, so absorbed in my own little world that I’ve been missing out on so many of these amazing people’s lives. You may think with what I’m saying that these would be heavy, depressing blogs but they are far from it. They are written by people who have faced the hardest things life could possibly throw at them and have come through the other side able to reach out to others with a kindness of spirit a lot of people will never understand.
There is Trudie who lost her beautiful daughter Clea in the 2009 tsunami in Samoa. She’s facing life without her precious girl and sharing her journey in such an honest way that I feel very humbled when I read it. I am so proud of this woman I have never met for her incredible courage. Then there’s Michelle who has lived a life that most of us could not even imagine, let alone survive. A story so full of abuse and violence, yet told with forgiveness and dignity. I have looked for Michelle’s blog before but have always been taken to a blank page (the joys of technology). Today I finally got into her blog and sat here with my mouth wide open, tears spilling as I read the betrayal this beautiful soul has endured in her life.
There are many others that I follow and I will try to introduce you to them over time as they all have fantastic stories to tell and they tell them so well. Today however, these two ladies really touched my heart. and so I wanted to share that with you. The WordPress community is quite remarkable in the way contributors are so prepared to share their stories, wisdom and love. I feel very humble to not only be part of this incredible network of great people but to have been accepted with open arms by them. Thank you to you all. It’s wonderful to belong.
I wrote in my very first post about needing a witness to our lives. Little did I know that this little blog would become so instrumental in this happening. I write about whatever pops into my sometimes confused brain and my friends, both old and new, read it and are so supportive. I appreciate it so much. So I apologise to those who’s blogs I have missed out on lately. I will certainly be taking the time out to read more often and not let the everyday world get in the way of discovering more about you all. If you are looking for some inspiring stories, you can’t go past the blogs on here. Have a good look at some of them when you have time.
Happy reading… Livvy 🙂